


Laughter and Smiles

by KandiSheek



Series: Kinktober 2018 [26]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Fix-It, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Kinktober, Kinktober 2018, Laughter, M/M, Masturbation, Memories, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Smile, Steve Feels, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 03:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16421192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek
Summary: Tony never thought he'd hear Steve's laughter again. The reality of it is much more painful than he imagined.





	Laughter and Smiles

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I'm gonna attempt to write a PWP for Stony all 31 days of October. Wish me luck!
> 
> Kinktober Prompt 26: Smiles/Laughter
> 
> Don't let the title fool you, this one is heavy. I might've taken this prompt in a... slightly darker direction than I originally intended. I wanted to write something lighthearted at first, but this felt more appropriate. Enjoy!

When Tony found the video he was alone in the living room, just mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he stumbled over a thumbnail he couldn't place. Before he knew what he was doing he'd clicked on it, frowning at the view of New York from above. When had he taken that?

For a while there was nothing, just that same view that he recognized as the one from the penthouse roof tops. Then someone shifted off screen, the sound of fabric rubbing on brick –

“ _Steve?_ ”

He jumped at the sound of his own voice, staring as the camera panned over to the entrance of the roof where Tony was leaning in the glass door, drink in hand. The easy smile on his past self's face left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“ _Not to harsh your mellows, but you're gonna revert back to Capsicle if you stay out here any longer._ ”

The chuckle that followed, much louder because of how close it was to the camera twisted Tony's stomach into painful knots. The picture whipped back and forth for a second as Steve apparently waved with the phone. “ _I borrowed your phone, hope you don't mind. Just wanted to take some pictures._ ”

Past Tony hummed, stepping closer right as the screen dipped and faded to black. Steve must've put the phone down. He probably hadn't even realized he was filming and that was so _Steve_ that nostalgia hit Tony like a punch in the gut, making him bite down on his lips to keep them from wobbling.

“ _Pictures, huh? Of what?_ ”

“ _I don't know, just... The city. It's changed so much, but at the same time... not really at all._ ”

“ _Geez, now you really sound like an old man._ ”

“ _Well, back in my day..._ ”

His past self laughed at Steve's joke without a care in the world and Tony could almost picture Steve's answering smile, that quirk of his lips that had always made him feel so accomplished when he'd been the one to put it there –

“ _Seriously though, come inside. Clint made eggnog and if you ask me there's enough rum in there to make even a super soldier tipsy._ ”

“ _One can dream..._ ”

Tony couldn't tear his eyes away from the black screen, his face slowly twisting into a tortured grimace as he listened to their banter, lighthearted and fun, like they were friends –

“ _Well get going, Steve! Barton said if I can't get you inside he's gonna sic Natasha on you._ ”

“ _Alright, geez, I'm coming!_ ” But he was laughing, the sound so familiar and yet one that Tony had never thought he'd hear again.

“ _Wait, your phone._ ”

With the sound of plastic scraping against stone Steve picked it up, capturing the rooftop floor as he handed it to Tony.

“ _Thanks. You know I can always get you a new one, right? Though this time maybe don't flush it down the toilet._ ”

“ _That was one time,_ ” Steve protested and that same laughter was in his voice again, so full of warmth and life and back then it had all been for Tony and he'd taken it for granted. How had he taken Steve for granted?

“ _One time too many_ ,” his past self joked and there was a pause. “ _Steve? You had video on._ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _You hit record._ ” And Tony's laughter hurt his ears with how sincere it was. He didn't laugh like that anymore. “ _Here, that button._ ”

“ _Oh, shoot._ ” And Tony just knew Steve had that aw-shucks expression on his face right then, the one that made him look years younger than he actually was. God, they'd both been so young back then... “ _Oh well. A movie is just pictures anyway._ ”

“ _Don't go getting philosophical on me yet, Captain. Two glasses of eggnog and I'll be ready to talk Freud with you._ ”

Steve's laughter sounded loud and clear right up against the phone and Tony's heart clenched, never wanting it to end –

And the recording cut off.

Tony sucked in a huge gulp of air, feeling his chest heave with every breath as he slowly became aware of his body, how tightly he was gripping the phone, the tears running down his cheeks...

He remembered that night, about a week before their first Christmas as a team. Clint had gotten so drunk that he threw up on the couch and Natasha had rubbed his back in the evening, smacked him over the head the next morning. Thor had been there, challenging everyone who dared to an arm wrestling match after he'd heard about it from Clint. Only Steve had been brave enough to take him up on it. They'd broken a table. Everyone had laughed.

A pained noise tore from Tony's throat as he crumpled, pressing his forehead against the warm screen. Two months. Two months and he still couldn't bear the reminder that Steve was gone, that he'd left Tony behind without looking back once, taking the team, their _family_ with him. This place used to be their home and now Tony was the only one still here, haunting this place like a ghost and struggling with the aftermath while the team fucked off to Wakanda, leaving him alone with his guilt and a million responsibilities that he couldn't hope to shoulder. But he had to. Who else would?

Steve's laughter was still ringing in his ears like a reminder of how much Tony had failed and he couldn't do it, he _couldn't_ –

He shouldn't.

“FRIDAY,” Tony said and his voice sounded broken even to his own ears. “Play Steve's parts on loop.”

“Of course, boss.”

Tony closed his eyes, feeling lower than dirt at how casually FRIDAY fulfilled his request, always so good to him even though he was a selfish, broken, horrible human being –

He choked when Steve chuckled right in his ear.

“ _I borrowed your phone, hope you don't mind. Just wanted to take some pictures._ ”

Tony let out a sob, putting his head in his hands and trying to hold the pieces of himself together, not to shatter apart even as a desperate, painful longing threatened to tear him to bits –

“ _I don't know, just... The city. It's changed so much._ ”

He'd thought he'd never feel this way again, after Obie. Had sworn never to let his trust get twisted like that again. And he understood why they had done it, why they thought they'd been doing the right thing, but – was Tony worth so little to them that he was acceptable collateral damage?

And Rhodey, fuck, why did it have to be Rhodey? He'd never done anything to deserve this kind of life and as always it was Tony who had dragged him into it, had put him at stake without a care. He'd almost killed his best friend.

But even that didn't hurt as much as looking into Steve's eyes in that fucking bunker and not knowing if Steve was going to kill him or not. Steve had held up his shield and for a second he'd thought –

“ _But at the same time... not really at all._ ”

He couldn't unthink that. Tony would never forget that moment when Steve had become his enemy, betraying him just like Obie and it should make Tony hate him, should make him want Steve gone for good, but – God, he missed him so much.

“ _Well, back in my day..._ ”

He missed Steve in every corner of the tower, every empty space that used to be filled with laughter and smiles and cursing and petty fights, fuck he missed those too, missed the sadness and heartache and not knowing if Steve would even care how much he was hurting Tony just by _being there_ –

“ _One can dream..._ ”

And Tony would take all of that over what he had now. No trace of Steve anywhere but a shitty old phone and a worn letter. Worn because Tony had run his fingers over the pages so much that he could trace the words with his eyes closed, each one making him angrier than the last. After everything they'd been through, was that really all he deserved? Was that all their friendship had been worth?

“ _Alright, geez, I'm coming!_ ”

Steve had been more than his friend, Tony was sure that even Steve knew that at some point. But they'd danced around it for so long that it had become an invisible barrier that they couldn't cross, one to many 'what if's in their way. And after Ultron things just hadn't been the same, too many unanswered questions and not enough trust to go around.

“ _Wait, your phone._ ”

And Steve had never quite forgiven Tony, that much had been obvious. Tony had know right away that even the slightest chance of them being more, overcoming all of that, had been blown to bits in that mess. He'd seen a future with Steve in a way he never had with anyone else and he'd fucked it up before it had ever gotten the chance to see the light of day.

“ _That was one time!_ ”

But fuck, Tony still wanted that, wanted all of that and he could never have it now, he could just hang onto what was left of Steve. The memory of his eyes, his touch, how he used to look at Tony so fondly when no one else was looking –

“ _What? Oh shoot. Oh well, a movie is just pictures anyway._ ”

Steve's laughter, Steve's smiles, Steve's breath on his neck, Steve's head leaning on his shoulder, Steve Steve Steve _Steve_ –

Tony's breath started to come faster as he reached into his pants to grip his cock, stroking it rough and fast even as he felt disgusted at himself for doing it. Steve laughed on the track and Tony choked, tears pricking behind his eyes.

“ _I borrowed your phone, hope you don't mind._ ”

Tony panted into his pillow, clutching the phone so tightly his fingers hurt.

“ _Just wanted to take some pictures._ ”

He moaned and started to sob right after, thrusting into his fist even though it felt too dry. But maybe that was just what he needed, an edge of pain to keep him on the brink of sanity –

“ _I don't know, just... The city. It's changed so much._ ”

Tony just wanted this to end. He couldn't stand the quiet of his own home, couldn't stand the buzz of the outside world, he just wanted to leave it all behind and crawl into Steve's arms –

“ _But at the same time... not really at all._ ”

Steve's voice all around him, making it better, making him feel something again, anything but this guilt and shame and _guilt_ –

“ _Well, back in my day..._ ”

Goddammit, Tony just wanted to be _happy!_

“ _One can dream..._ ”

He bit into his pillow to muffle his sobs as he suddenly came, body tensing and spasming with his orgasm and it felt so good that he couldn't breathe for a second before he crashed back down into reality.

“ _That was one time!_ ”

His breathing hitched as Steve's voice in his ear made him jolt and suddenly he was hit with a loneliness so deep and heavy that it threatened to suffocate him. He couldn't hold back the tears now, loud, ugly sobs that shook his whole body, making him feel small and worthless with how much he was still affected by this. How he couldn't let Steve go even after –

“ _What? Oh shoot. Oh well, a movie is just..._ ”

“ _Stop!_ ” Tony yelled, clutching at his ears. “FRIDAY, stop!”

The recording cut off abruptly and the silence was worse, only the sound of Tony's own tears keeping him company as he sobbed and sobbed until he couldn't anymore. As his breathing slowly leveled out he felt a sense of numbness wash over him, feeling like he was dropping steadily deeper into a hole of nothingness. Tony lay on the couch for a long time, just staring at the ceiling.

“Boss?”

“Hm?”

“Are you alright?”

Tony hummed, blinking slowly. “No, I'm not.”

“Would you like me to call Mrs Potts –“

“I'm not okay, FRIDAY,” Tony repeated and the relief of saying it out loud was almost overshadowed by the helplessness that rushed in, his skin crawling with how many people he was letting down by admitting to his weakness. “I'm not okay,” he said and panic was rising in him. How could he fix this? How –

He was on his feet before he could think it through, crossing the room with big strides, sprinting across the hallway to his office where he all but slammed his desk drawer open. He had the contact open in seconds, holding the phone up to his ear and counting his breaths as the dial tone rang –

“ _Tony?_ ”

_Steve._

Tony froze as the full extent of what he was doing hit him. What the fuck was he thinking?

_This was a mistake_ , he wanted to say, but his throat was too tight for words. Every breath felt like his first and simultaneously last one.

“ _Tony, are you there?_ ”

Steve sounded breathless, like he couldn't believe it either and the emotion in his voice wrapped itself like an iron band around Tony's heart, squeezing it painfully.

“ _Tony?_ ”

Hesitant now and Tony sucked in a breath, desperately trying to breathe so he could say something, anything –

“ _Tony, I just... I'm so sorry about everything – and I know you have every reason to hate me, but if you could let me explain –_ “

“I miss you,” Tony choked out before he even realized he'd found his voice and the admission burned as it left his throat, scorch marks on his tongue. He squeezed his eyes shut and let his breath shudder out of him, sure that he'd just dug his own grave, but he had to get it out, he couldn't – He couldn't live with that weight on his chest anymore. “Fuck, I miss you so much, Steve.”

Tony heard a sharp gasp on the other end before Steve fell silent, his breathing unsteady. Tony wanted to hang up, he wanted to take it back – _What if Steve didn't_ – but Steve spoke before he could, his voice shaky and rough.

“ _I miss you too, Tony._ ”

And Tony closed his eyes, warmth rushing through him like a tidal wave, and let himself hope.


End file.
